What if I say that I am finally able to find myself back after losing somewhere deep down, that I am finally ready to forgive myself after cursing for the things that just happened because of misunderstanding, that I finally would try to love myself after hating for so long, that I am finally getting back to be myself after wandering in the complex of possible which could change my present.
Whatever happened in these past two years, though a great lesson and with fighting all these anxiety, depression, breathlessness, and all crap that happened to me is finally ready to leave me and I am also ready to bid them a goodbye. Goodbye to whom which I thought is my life and without that person, it just can’t happen to be living, which I thought is the only world to me because I created a whole imaginary world with that person that I thought would turn into reality someday, my dream world, but unfortunately or fortunately, it just crash down into pieces within a second. Though it took almost one year for me to get out of it, to put my soul back into one piece.
It’s really hard to be here where I am right now. To be finally ready to start moving to the real world where things were ignored by me these years. Well, to all make it happen would be just impossible if my only friend were not there for me. Literally, this friend of mine doesn’t did something like outstanding but magical as I think. The most important thing he did that he listens, he listens to my thoughts, to my fears. He never runs away be looking at my scares. He never goes restless about me. He filled the huge empty space of my life.
So, Yes, I am ready. I am ready to finally move on. From where I just stopped it, that I thought my life has no worth. That I will never forgive myself for the mistake that I had done just because of misunderstanding. That I thought I will lose my same that I will lose all over me.
Last night, it was a full moon and I also went to the terrace to see it. It was just beautiful and instantly reminded me of him and that promise of listening to that song but I was just not able to do that because I think I am accepting the fact that he will never be same back. Things can’t turn back. We can’t be the same again as I were before.
When I told him that I still have his first audio. He said, “It doesn’t matter anymore”. He was right! Nothing matters anymore. Those all letters and whatever time we spent together, that’s really doesn’t matter anymore. And yes, that all things that just don’t matter anymore to me as well.
I am glad that I finally found myself back and succeed to find myself back. (: