This is to my beloved sister, who left us too soon. It seems a nightmare, a dream which is not easily breaking, it doesn’t matter how hard I am trying to wake up to end this dream. I want you to come here and tell me it was a nightmare.
I think of you every time. I wonder where are you now. If you are too far that you are not able to listen to me or too close that watching me every time. I want you to come here and tell me it was a nightmare and make the world better again. You left us without even asking. We didn’t expect you to leave us.
The only thing that is killing me that you left without saying a single world. The last words I hear from you are still roaming in my head. And I am not able to sort out what you were trying to say when I met you in I.C.U. I should have stayed there for some longer, I should have tried to listen to you, I should have held your hand when you were lifting it towards me. But I didn’t do anything to listen to you.
I want you to come here and tell me it was a nightmare
Its been a long road without you here. I know I am not the only one hurt by your passing. I know its selfish to think of my sufferings as comparable to what others close to you are feeling.
You know I always say that distance is not too far. I believed I could reach anywhere in the world without spending much time. But I was wrong. You know when I saw you on the video call when you were taking your last breaths. I wanted to come to you and I get out too fast to reach to you but you left. I was wrong, I wasn’t able to reach to you. And now you are too far from me that I would never be able to listen to you.
I would never be able to call you randomly and listen to you. I would never be able to crack jokes on you. I would never be able to go for night outs with you. I would never be able to ask you for tea when you are not even in the mood for getting out of bed.
I remember the day when I visited your home and you were in bad mood. You weren’t talking to anyone and I said “Chai Achi Banana” ( Make a good tea) and you made it after some moment and that was only for me. My mom noticed this very well and said to me why she (you) only made tea for you, we were also there.
I remember everything about you. But I am sorry. I am sorry because I didn’t meet you at your last time. I didn’t have the courage to see you this way. I can’t even imagine you now. I am sorry because I left you alone in the graveyard at 12:30 at night. But I was standing there for so long for you that might you would talk to me. But there was the silence of grief.
I want to talk about you. I want to scream, I want to yell. I want to shout about it. But all I could do is to whisper “I am FINE”. It’s just hard to breathe you know, knowing that everything you love gets destroyed one day. Its pain you know? that can’t be put into words, that kind of heartbreak that destroys you. That forces you to bury yourself in grief and makes you doubt your existence.
I don’t think I am depressed because I am not sad, I can laugh during the day but I mean, I am not happy either because it’s nights like these when I feel like I forget how to feel? I wouldn’t wish this pain to anyone’s soul. Its get tiring to fake a smile and force your muscles wide when your tears are holding back, it’s tiring. To keep moving on, it’s tiring. But I guess right now, pain is the only thing making me feel like I am alive.
You know these all suffering will go if you come back. You know how important for me you are, even I never told you. You know how much I cared for you and never let you know. You know I used to search for you in every function until you come. Do you know why I used to joke on you?
If life can give only one chance to go back, I would go and meet you and tell you everything I want to tell you now. I would spend as much as time with you. I would not miss any chance to make you happy. But it’s not practical, knowing that I would never meet you or listen to your voice.
Maybe not in this world but in the life after this world, We will meet again. We will surely meet again.